Ok, so this is not going to be the "what the hell were you thinking?" letter it probably should be. Not the "I'm so disappointed in you" letter - if I can help it. Which I make no promises.
What I hope this letter will do is to give you food for thought. Pondering. Maybe even praying. Because I know that's what a lot of us are doing this morning.
Staying out all night may seem like a "right of passage".
I even did it once with my best friend, Rosie. I think I was 15. Rosie told her Mom that she was sleeping over & I told Daddy I was at her house, sleeping over.
We were not.
I don't even remember what we did, but I know it involved parties neither parent would have allowed us to go to...and for good reason.
And I remember sitting in a Dunkin' Donut shop, being soo very sleepy but too afraid or too stubborn to go home.
The thing I remember so vividly is my Daddy's face - your Grandfather - when he looked into my eyes. I think it was the first (but, unfortunately, not the last) time I saw him cry for something I had done.
He didn't say the words...he didn't have to. I knew I had disappointed him. I had disappointed myself.
But that's not what got me, what has stayed with me all these years.
I had hurt him. I had instilled in him the fear only a parent can experience. It still brings a lump to my throat and a feeling of shame.
How could I have done this to him - the fatherI loved so much?
I will see that hurt and feel that pain until I pass. And it is not comfortable.
But why should it be? I need to carry that image, that pain and despair I gave him.
That fear that I might be hurt, or worse, out there with him not knowing if something horrific had happened to me, then finding out it wasn't by "happenstance" that I was that position.
I had chosen that lie. Put myself out there.
Why am I telling you this when even my dear sisters probably don't know or remember?
Because I love you. I am proud of you. You are the most beautiful, bright, kind, and sweet teenager I know.
And because I want to save you from a lifetime of regret and hurt.
I know I'll never be able to keep you from all harm- but I will try to the best of my love and ability to save you from self-inflicted hurt.
I love you.
And so do your parents. And Emily looks up to you. And Brian wants to protect you as big brothers do.
Let all of us love you and keep you from harm.
If you can't talk to us, write.
That's why I blog. Silly as it may seem. I can write what I cannot say. What I feel.
Just try something. Pray. Read. Listen. And think. And then pray some more. HE listens. And answers.
Know I'll be thinking about you.
I love you tonzzzzzzzzzzzz!