Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Past lives, past hurts and guilt by association..

Tonight a wonderful thing happened.

I heard from a friend that I had all but abandoned. My bad.

This lovely person meant a lot to me a few years ago and when something {now I see it} as trivial as a job, devastated me, and I was unable {read: unwilling} to communicate with a few friends I had left behind.

They were, in effect, guilty by association..

They were where I so desperately wanted to be.

They walked the hallways and said god morning to people I no longer was able to see.

They were admired and respected..and I was, for the actions of one person, cast out.

It would have hurt too much to have opened the door to them..and as a selfish person often does, I thought only of my feelings...

However, even speaking with her tonight still brings the pain of missing out on so much and, still, after over 2 years.. I am trying not to cry..
And I celebrate her courage to be persistent, not to give up on our friendship..and to call after repeated unanswered messages on my machine.

Life goes on, kids get married, new grand babies are born and maybe, someday, I'll be accused of guilt by association when someone mentions something nice I've done & learned from her.

I've missed you Pam.

And Renae and Anita. And Jason. And all of the others I'd laughed with for all those years.

Thanks for being...persistent.



Lori R. said...

I am always joyful to know hearts do mend.... it is a proven fact!! Time sometimes is the best medicine when hurts run deep. Time smooths the ripples of our anger....
My mom's favorite line to me is, "sometimes you just got to put your big girl panties on and deal with it." I'm glad your friend was persistant for you.... I gentle smile for you... hug... Lori

diane said...

Lori's coment says it all. I love her Mom's saying. It is a sad/happy post and I hope your relationship with your friend is soon restored to its former state.
Friends are very important to make our journey through life happier.
I have a friend who also left our place of work very unhappily through no fault on her part. It was an admin bungle, however she has stayed in contact with some of us. In fact she is one of our Birthday Bear particpants, talking of which, we will be seeing Bear at lunch tomorrow.

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

I'm so glad you had a happy day! Here's to good friends!! Cheers!

Lucy said...

I so relate. In 2005 I was pushed out of a 28 year job I loved by a very mean power-tripped principal. I couldn't take the stress anymore and finally quit. And I cannot get over being haunted about it to this day. I wanted to work until I was 65. They can't fire you...but they can sure push you out. I have a couple of friends from there, but I've never been back to see anybody. It really hurt.

Pen Pen said...

So glad you reconnected with your friend! I had a similar experience with a job years ago... and I finally went back to see one girl in particular. She was so happy to see me and I've never seen her again since, (we moved away) but my heart feels so good, knowing that everything is okay between me and her!

Kristina Werner said...

I have some of the same feelings about where we used to work, Colleen. So sad that I'm not still there, and sad that things weren't different when I left. I've tried to stay in touch with the girls still there, but it's so hard because we all have such different lives and don't have work to bring us together anymore.

Gosh, I love you, Colleen. The bright, happy, *honest*, and enduring person you are. We need to meet for dinner (or dessert!) or something. Haven't seen you in ages. :)

Heather said...

aww. I know what you're going through. Pam sounds like a true friend. I'm glad she's persistent!

Julie said...

I am so glad you had friends from that place that you were shut out from. I was shut out from a place I really wanted to be at on June 19. But I had had no friends there. I was shut out from the beginning. I was only a temp, a second-class citizen. Even though I had more education than some of them, I was considered ... I don't know... just "not one of them", not good enough to be hired permanently. After I had worked there for 14 months only one person told me that she had enjoyed working with me and was sorry I'd be gone. Did I make that little a mark during my stay there? I am still hurt and still have dreams (unfinished business) about being there.

Julie said...

PS - I love this artwork and I am stealing some for myself - no apologies, LOL! Don't be surprised if you see one or more turn up on my blog. PS - I have a beautiful Maxfield Parrish print of a lovely lady in classical dress in my living room.