Monday, September 14, 2009

OK, so it's mOnDaY...

Yeppers..Monday.

Got out of my car only to drop the bag that had my lunch and my paperback book.

Did you know those "Glad" plastic food holder thingies are not all that strong when dropped from your hand when exiting a car? On pavement??

Yeah..not so much. Seems while the gravity of falling down and hitting pavement when you are a vegetables in tomato sauce dish, your only thought is to escape...by going UP..and all over me and my pretty-in-pink sweater...and the paperback book..and my container of yogurt..and my water bottle..

..red, red sauce..tomato based sauce..all. over. me.

Oh well, it's early...with that start, the rest of the day's got to be great! :-)

Right??

Not so much.

After the first meeting my boss calls me over to say "You're random today"...

I didn't get it.."Wha??"

"Drug testing. Your name came up randomly.."

"Yeah sure...You know it's because I'm always happy, don't you?"

"No, really... it's a random thing..really.."
Usually, I have a hard time..you know..producing enough..

It's always a gamble..


But not to worry. I took a water pill this morning (oh goodie) and because of the meeting running long, I don't foresee a big problem at the "gathering place" -I'll just zip on over there...

Today I'll be ready to give 'em what they need! Happy Happy...Joy Joy..

Not so much. There were lines. L-O-N-G lines. No, much longer than these..

Yeah, more like this..

see that person waaaay back? yeah, that'd be me..


And when you gotta go..it sure seems every one's "random" on Mondays...

Really, seriously, can I phulleeze cut in? Pretty please..Look, I've got cash..what'll it take??

PEOPLE!! WILL SOMEONE TURN OFF THAT FOUNTAIN??


Seriously...stop with the water NOW..

Hurry, please.pleasepleaseplease...think dry thoughts...think think...desert sand...soda crackers with nothing to drink..think, Colleen, dammit think...

"Hey you..it's YOUR turn mister..Go go go go..they called your name and that means I'm next.."

Ahhh..finally my turn. I walk back to the "testing area" with just my knees on down actually moving..looks like my thighs are super-glued together..

Hold it...hold it...Hummm...think dry thoughts...hummmmm

I really gotta go..if I could have walked cross-legged, I would have. I know my eyes were crossed..

Wait, no... there's paperwork involved and it's not toilet paper????? Oh jeeze...

OK ok OKAY..There. I signed. No, I don't want to read all the fine print.no, I don't have any questions..how hard could it be?? I've been peeing for years... hurry.... I don't want to hurt you so get outta my way...seriously..

Bottle handed to me. Instructions slowly spoken (maybe I'm not their usual demographic..I can really follow directions.and understand...really..)

"Please.. try.. to.. fill.. it.. up.. to.. here.. (about a thimble full) " she says with a perfectly manicured French-tipped nails...and wide round eyes..

I'm old..not hearing impaired nor do I speak another language...

"No really, I don't think that'll be a problem..just let me in the damn bathroom.."

OK, I may have overestimated the size of the container...I think I could have filled 3, maybe 4 of them.

And it's hard to stop in mid-pee and see how much you've got.. I SO could have used one of these..

Yeah...and they tell you that you can't "wash your hands or flush until you tighten the lid on the sample and bring it out to the desk.."

You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding.

Ewww...
The first thing little Miss-Just-Out-Of-Pee-School says to me is..

"Oh! You did soooo gooooood!"

I honestly thought she was going to hug me...complete with latex gloves on...arms all up in the air..rah! rah!

Yippee. Do I get a gold star? No? How about a sink and soap and disinfectant wipes, you little size-2 twerp???

That's when the lens pops out of my glasses..the right eye..Suddenly I'm half-blind.

I squint at the Minister of Pee and tell her not to move a muscle as I try to "see" my popped-out lens..

Squintingly, I find my lens, try to pop it back in. Wash my hands..Straighten my sauce-splashed sweater and gather any sense dignity I may have had this morning when woke up..hand her my pee and go back to work...

Yep....it's MONDAY..

-me

16 comments:

Just Breathe said...

Girl you are so funny and I love the pictures. Thank you for the laugh.

All My Yesterdays said...

Oh good Lord, I'm laughing as hard as you were peeing! You are so funny! And so real...

Good thing I wasn't in line behind you, I would have made peeing sounds all the way to the front of the line... just because (O:

Hope you had a good rest of the day. And thanks for ending mine with laughter.

debi said...

Oh, funny post! But I'm wondering what the rest of the week will be like for you and I.
Your week starts off with pee, mine with poop. hmmmmm

madrekarin said...

I'm so sorry I'm laughing at your misfortune. If it makes you feel better, you've made my day. :)

wendy said...

Thank you so much for a wonderful finish to my frantic morning...Hope your Tuesday is better!

Pen Pen said...

So...... did you pass the drug test? LOL

Colleen, I received my sweet package from you in the mail and I LOVE the domino necklace and bottle caps. Just for that, now I have to find some bottle caps to play with!!! Loved them! You are so sweet.

Life is good! said...

no wonder people are so cranky on monday! piss on them( sorry i know i'm crude).

Heather said...

aww you poor thing! i hope your spaghetti sauce comes out of your sweater :)

Karen said...

I held it all together until your lens popped out. Then I just lost it.

Melinda Cornish said...

you are funny...actually you made me laugh..love your take on the whole drug testing thing! I am so glad to meet you and thanks for entering my quilt giveaway....I am in Sunset Utah...I moved here in march from wa. state...so there are lots of quilt shops in sandy? I may have to get on over there...there is one here..not as many as I expected......melinda

Lori R. said...

You just crack me up!!! Now excuse me, while I walk crossed legged to the bathroom, because frankly, I laughed too much while reading!
Ohhh, one more thing,,, Spray N'Wash stick works best and let it sit for a while!!

Queen of Dreamsz said...

Hey there,

Sounds like one of my *graceful* moves trying to get out of the car with what seems to be a simple amount of things..haha

Your post is too cute about the random drug testing..yep, stuck at the end of the line crossing your legs..

Thought I would stop by as I haven't seen you in a very long time..I finally got moved to our new home and am still trying to get unpacked..

Have a wonderful day and do stop by when you have a moment.

Hugs, Stephanie

Pearl said...

Wow! so graphic...excuse me I have to go pee.

diane said...

Thanks for providing my daily laugh. Your writing is so graphic.
If you get time can you explain why the random drug test?

Betty said...

Well, I'm surely glad I am close to a bathroom...I need it after that story! I had no idea the testing took place somewhere other than your office. But, then, I guess your boss doesn't really want to handle that container, eh? There ought to be an easier way! Put your mind to it...you could make a fortune if you figure that one out!

white o'morn cottage said...

What a howl! I nearly peed myself laughing...and I did not even want to GO before. Brightened my day..again thanks.