Monday, May 12, 2008


We all have them. 2. 1 Right and 1 left. 5 toes each . Total of 10.

Sounds so simple, huh?

But my feet and I...well, we just don't seem to hit it off.

Maybe it's because I wore cheap shoes and waitressed long hours.

Maybe it's because I took them for granted.

Burned them once on a floor heater. Both of them. We used to get up in the morning and stand on the floor registers to warm our cold feet. One day they had the furnace actually on for several hours before I got up - and ran to the floor vent to stand.

Hey, thanks for the "head's up"...Yeeeeooowww!

They pulled me off but not before some damage had been done. Got me out of school for a week- hey, you gotta look at the bright side!


Anyway, I want pretty feet.

You know, like the ones in all the summer shoe ads.

With sandals. And open-toed 40's looking shoes. Feet you can hang out the car window...

You know.....Those feet.

Tried to get them. Pumiced, rubbed, ex-foliated. Lotion-ed, soaked and exercised.


Still have icky-hide-your-feet-forever-in-socks feet.

Makes it rough in the summertime.

Oh, once I heard if you put Murphy's Oil Soap on your feet then wrap them in plastic wrap while you sleep, you'll have smooth-as-a-baby's-butt feet in the morning...

Well, had the oil soap. Didn't have the plastic wrap, so decided to use grocery bags - tied at the ankles.

Every time I rolled over in bed, the bags would rustle like someone taking down a plastic tent...

Decided it was too noisy, so I put socks on over the bags.

Worked fine until I had to get up and go pottty...

The oil, combined with the plastic-too-big-bags combined with socks made me slip and slide on our hardwood floors like a hippo in the ice capades.

And this was at 2 in the morning. I think my very life passed before my eyes...or it could have been just the room spinning as I slid across the floor into the bathroom.

Heck, I musta've been traveling 'bout 45 mph....Arms all flailing, terror in my eyes...trying NOT to wake up Mr. B..

Have you ever tried NOT to make squeeky-gaspy-terror-filled peeps...all the while trying to retain at least a shred of dignity??

Not that he wouldn't have tried to help..but I couldn't risk him falling out of bed....... laughing...

Well, off to bed am I..barefooted and un-soaped.

Try to get a good night's sleep, OK?



Charmingdesigns said...

I'm off to bed. I guess I will leave the plastic bags in the kitchen.LOL I remember some kids teasing me when I was young saying I had elephant toes. Thanks for the laugh before going to bed!! Laurie

white o'morn cottage said...

Ha ha!!! Thanks for that. I needed a good laugh and you didnt' let me down. I am planning a pamper my tootsies night but wont be trying the virtual ice skating bit you outlined! It's just not worth Pam

~d said...

lol.. I found the PEDI-EGG...
works pretty darn well for 10 buckers. :)

One more thing for you to try!


Mary said...

I'm on my feet all day in shoes that would make you cringe. I've spent the rest of my life barefoot so the tops of my feet look ok but don't look at the bottoms! Have a good barefooted rest!
mary said...

Have you tried your Dremel on the bottoms of your feet...really smooths out the rough spots! Just don't hold it in one place too long...ouch!

Feet are so critical to us, yet we give them less attention than most other body parts...why is that, do you think?

Love ya and thanks for a really good laugh.

Jan said...

Oh, I hear ya friend! I have what I like to call Fred Flintstone feet. You know how Fred's feet are all pudgy and square. Yep..that's my feet all over! LOL! But at this age I don't give a rat's patooty! LOL! I wear my sandles with pride!
Take care!


Pen Pen said...

I, too, envy people with pretty feet. I have my Daddy's feet... short, wide, with short pudgy toes. And then the ankles... I won't even tell you about my fat ankles... I wish I had a prominent pretty little ankle bone! And then I would wear an anklet! ha!

Brenda said...

That was the best laugh I have had in forever. Sorry about the feet,but happy about the story =)

La Dolce Vita with LeAnn said...

You always make me laugh so dang hard. Do take care of those feet dearie! Blessings, LeAnn

Jodi said...

Cute post! Made me laugh!