No, I mean rubber pants like when we had our babies, many many many many years ago...OK..maybe not that many 'manys' for you...
Yeah..cloth diapers, diaper services, where you paid someone to pick up your week-old-smelly-sour-in the diaper-hamper diapers, and if you weren't "lucky" enough to have the service....diapers soaking in the toilet..
"Watch out - there's a diaper in there.."
And no, I am not telling you I am wearing rubber pants...or diapers..or leather pants either.
It's just that I flashed back the other day when I was putting on a girdle..
gir·dle (gûr
dl)n.
1.
a. A belt or sash worn around the waist.
b. Something that encircles like a belt.
c. An elasticized, flexible undergarment worn over the waist and hips, especially by women, to give the body a more slender appearance.
2. A band made around the trunk of a tree by the removal of a strip of bark.
3. The edge of a cut gem held by the setting.
4. Anatomy The pelvic or pectoral girdle.
OK, number 1C is probably the closest.
No wait..they call them "Body Shapers" now..or Spanx {?}...not "gIRdlEs" silly..
This one was like an industrial strength rubber band..some sort of weapon of mass destruction if it ever let loose..like a cheap bathing suit from the 50's..no wait! A bathing cap!!!! Tight. Sooo very tight..and strong..so very strong..
OK, so I looked at it from the package and thought "even Ella couldn't fit into this.."
But I was determined.
One foot in one leg hole..good..not breaking too much of a sweat....
Now my for the other foot...wait...where is it..OK..there. no wait..I got it into the other lag hole, but my legs are no longer side-by-side..but one had been pulled behind the other by sheer force of the rubber...ah..girdle..
And I stand there, now if a full sweat..breathing hard and looking a lot like the shape of a wine glass..
OK.. OK..more like a brandy snifter..but you get the point.
As I try to pull the weapon up..the force to my finger tips in the death-defying material is almost nail breaking..and the pain as it is dredged up my leg..
My head was now aching..my eyes were now bulging....and the thing hadn't moved but about 1 inch up..making the area directly above the "banding" balloon up like a.....balloon ..you know, when the squeeze one end and the other swells up disproportionately??
Yeeeaah..
So, now the make-up I had just put on was sliding down my face..my hair, after being treated to "product" was now dripping a sticky substance down my neck...and I still had a whole thigh to get over...
Once in place...I finally had that flat {ish} tummy I had wanted..but I also had the flattest pancake of a bum as one would ever NOT want to see..with bulges of puffiness of pink exploding over the top of the thing (my supposed waist) and beneath the bottom of the thing..my once toned thighs..looking more like a life preserver around each semi-independent leg...
I couldn't breathe..I couldn't see..I couldn't speak..which in the end is a good thing..I would hate to have been the dispatcher at 911 for that call..
I moved slowly..my face was red..I really think my earlobes were filled with air..large and puffy as my face and eyes were..
Braxton & Lulu averted their eyes..but I heard them plain as day...
"Eyii carumba Mamma-sita!!" {bet you didn't know they spoke Spanish, huh??}
That's it....it's coming off! Go save yourselves, pups! Run, Forrest, run !!!!!!!!
That thing shot off like a sling-shot from hell...ricochet off the closet door and up and over the desk..
Still haven't found it.
So, if you see me with a tummy pouch and a nice giggly bum...you'll know I have learned my lesson..
-me.
18 comments:
Oh, what a riot this post is! Brought many "uncomfortable" memories. Blessings on your day -- and stay away from that heavy stuff!
This is just too hilarious!
Oh, but how I can relate.
I well remember wearing the torturous contraption!
I must have been nuts!
I go more now for Aretha's "Natural Woman"!
Come and join me!!
God love you, Colleen. That is the funniest post I've read in a while. Oh dear heavens me...the things we'll do!
Do you remember the girdles that were like a little skirt, no legs? When I was 12, I inherited one from a gal four years older than I and skinnier. much. My mother made me try it on and all the while I was getting it on, she rolled around on the floor laughing (much as I've done here reading this). I was whining and carrying on like 12 year olds do when I made one mighty tug on the dang thing and it rolled up like a window shade right under my chest (what little of it there was). Yeah, I was nearly an ER visit myself. Couldn't breathe. Thought I would die. And Mother thought she'd die, too. Of laughter.
You know they have Spanx in a full body encasement now--from the shoulders down to just above the knees. Then only your neck and calves will have the bloated effect. I get a headache thinking about a swim cap. I didn't use plastic pants or cloth diapers but I knew people who did. (stinky poo...ammonia extra strength) I went to laundramats back in the day when people would drive up, shake out the dirty diapers in the parking lot, and throw those ripe, filthy numbers in the machine that I had to wait for. I still remember the atrocities. Not a good time in my life. Not good. (Yes, I wore girdles too before control top panty hose. What the heck was I thinking?)
I used cloth diapers and rubber pants on my babies...they are now in their 30's...God knows what they're wearing now!
I grew up in an age when girls didn't wear pants (trousers/slacks) to school. We wore skirts which meant stockings so you needed garters which meant girdles...or at least a garter belt. (I won't even get into the discussion of how we sometimes wore a garter belt or girdle AND a "sanitary belt". To the young women of today..."You have no idea of the survival tactics we had to endure...put on your big girl panties/Spanx/thongs and deal with it!"
Great post Colleen...I laughed all the way through it!
xoxo
Joyce
Like Jo said...SPANX! Worth every penny!
Rubber pants...Oh yes mam, I do recall. And the dreaded diaper in the toilet....OMH!!!
Memories...you have lots, thanks for sharing:)
hahaha! Love it! This totally made my night, thank you so much!
Oh can I associate with this post Colleen! By the time I would get one of these stupid things on, I felt like I just did an hour of heart pounding aerobics. I haven't put one on in years, and don't think I will again. Well, maybe if things on the lower front don't improve!
LOL.. I guess it wouldn't be so funny if I couldn't relate to your story.
Thanks for the giggles..
XOXOX
gail
Wow all I want to do is breathe after this post! Thanks for doing that so I don't have to :)
I have tried to wear a girdle or something or other along those lines. I don't know how women could stand to wear those! And then trying to get them off and on again everytime you go to pee or poop..OMG..no thanks! Too much work...I would probably pee in my girdle each time unless I really planned ahead and headed to the john at the slightest urge!
~Linnea
Ha-Ha! I would never even attempt to put one of those things on. If my bra is too tight or the waistline is squeezing a bit much on any given day, I start to feel sick! One day at work, I called my co-worker into the bathroom and asked her to loosen my bra as I didn't want to have to take everything off to do it. Phew! Felt so much better after that.
When I was 12, I used to babysit the kids across the street from us. Miss Jane only used cloth diapers so I washed out many in the toilet. Folding clothes -- especially towels and cloth diapers was one of my favorite things to do at that time.
Have a terrific Tuesday! Tammy
Ugh! Yes, I was around, for your memories. And even before your memories. :-)
First baby -- washing machine -- NO dryer -- NO diaper service -- soak the really baddddddd ones in toilet (1 toilet in house) - then into the "Diaper Pail" (Yikes!!!) - squeeze 'em out and down cellar, to washing machine -- EEEEEK!
Never tried to wear a *girdle,* when I should have. Only way back, when I was tiny and didn't need it. Brilliant, hu?
Bathing Caps? Oh yeah, but never could swim, so used them little. And back when I wore a bathing suit, I was tiny and fit in it. When I got to needing the BIG KIND, I stopped wearing bathing suits.
See how practical, I am? -giggles-
~♥~
In my blog you asked --
1) Yes, I already have the broom!!! Need the shoes. :-)
2) The book "Glimmerglass" was fun for me. But remember, I'm the 74 year old who digs Young Adult lit. :-)))) This one isn't about vampires or werewolves though. The *kicker* in this book, is "The Fey."
LOVE (some) books about "The Fey"!!! I even have a necklace made out of an old iron nail, which hubby made for me.... 'Cause everyone knows that real iron, protects against "bad Fey." >,-)
Plus there are 2 more books in the series, to read.
At present, I'm nearly done with a fun "Cozy Brit Mystery." I do jump around, with my reading. :-)
~♥~
LOL... I hear you, girl! Let it all hang out.. it's not worth the pain and suffering! And yes, I remember rubber pants... thankfully, my own kids didn't use them, but I remember some of my younger cousins wearing them. :O)
FUNNY STUFF here girl! And I can relate to it all:) But to hear YOU describe all the motions is just hilariously crazy! My jiggly belly is still doing it's thing from laughing so hard. And the diapers slash plastic pants? I had to use them for my first two and remember flushing diapers down the toilet by mistake sometimes...yuck is right! How did we ever survive them times. Guess the swim caps kept our brains contained anyway:)
Thanks for the chuckles tonight...
Colleen, this was so much fun to read. Your so good at it! It being writing a fun post. I did have a diaper service for a short time. It was a gift. I never did them myself.
Hilarious, you paint such vivid pictures of your humorous scenes. Let it all hang out and be comfortable.
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