Well, I should have given myself a smaller window of opportunity.
'Winter-ugly' is upon us….or me.
Flat hair due to hats. Frozen hair due to waking the dogs on freezing mornings. Funny-looking hair due to ear-muffs.
The constantly red nose. Occasionally drippy. ick.
Lovely r-r-r-ruddy complexion…with the ever present bright red ears…
The “ no-neck” due to scarves, turtle necks, hoodies…and my chubby-Irish heritage, of course.
Bundles and grundles of layered clothes that make walking a tad bit difficult.
Legs can’t bend. End up looking a little like “Everybody Loves Raymond’s” father in Frankenstein…
Shoes…er…boots. “yo momma wears combat boots” …can’t bend at the ankles - boots lace- up and over them…I feel like they weigh a ton …until I slip on the ice…..then they are dainty ice-skates….without the blades…….ballerina slippers comes to mind…
Gloves..some with no fingers so I have 10 fat little puggie-tips sticking out of them..Or whole gloves that make my hands look ginormous…..
Glasses? Well, yes, I’ve been wearing them regularly now. I have this fear of falling (I seem to have missed the “coordination gene”)
But, as soon as they hit the cold air, they fog up.
So, with 2 pups on leashes, no-blade-ice skates, legs that won’t bend, neck that can’t turn, ears that can’t hear do to the “muffs”, GINORMOUS hands that won't move in any small-hand-movement way...
I try to look over the tops of the glasses… LOOK OVER THEM!
Then my eyeballs, now freakishly exposed to the sub-zero air, start to freeze.... open....in a look that's a mix of horror and surprise mixed with nearsightedness....
Then I remember Mr. B and how the moisture from his breath freezes into visible icicles on his moustache and beardy-thingy.
OH.MY.HECK.! DO I HAVE ICICLES ON MY UPPER LIP ???
One slow step after another, I trudge down the frozen tundra, uh, street, so my little darlings can give me a token-steaming-poo.
Picture now, if you will, me trying to retrieve the above mentioned poo.
Heaven forbid I should fall,......er....wobble-over. Like a Weeble. You know, "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down..."
I’d never be able to get up. Or stop wobbleing....
They’d find my stiff no-necked, red-nosed, chubby-fingered, fogged up frozen-eyeballed -body just just rolling around where I’d left it.
With a white icicle-moustached upper lip…
Probably with flittery teeny-weenie birdies doing their “winter ballet” above me.
After all, they have all those aerodynamic feathers to keep them warm……
Maybe the spring will be kinder to me…… .....one can only hope......