In the wee, wee hours of the morning...

...on Friday, I was up and making the two cakes - one for the company BBQ and one for us.

It was finally cool in the house and I had the front door and a few windows open. Perfect time of day - perfect light- perfect cuppa coffee..

There are times when I really REALLY like quiet, but I didn't want it so quite. Being not quite ready for television (I find that to be most of the time lately..especially when it's too early for Animal Planet or HGTV..)

So I turned on the kitchen radio.

Yeah, I have a kitchen radio. An under the counter, a CD playing-remote controlling,-AM/FM playing radio.

And I don't listen to it enough.

As the cake baked and the smell of the pineapples, sugar and pecans went through the kitchen, I was suddenly reminded of my Mother.

Those who know me from this blog know I was never close to my Mother and often resented her. She was what was referred to in the "good old days" as a manic-depressive, which in today's world, would be bi-polar.

And in my youth and ignorance, I never forgave her for that. Yes, I do know better now, but then, I didn't have many good, warm, wonderful memories of our life together...

But hearing that radio, in the wee still hours of that cool morning, drinking my "weak-artificially sweetened and non-dairily creamed coffee-like beverage" I thought about her.

She was never a TV watcher. She wasn't a crafter, nor a cook (she did cook, but I don't think she EVER enjoyed it) didn't like to read or talk on the phone, or play cards...

She didn't smile too much - not like these women, who, I'm almost certain were either drunk or drawn by a male artist..

But I know she did do most of that - I don't remember helping or really if my sisters had any real "house" responsibilities when she was home. ( she was quite often hospitalized for her depression) so...my sisters must have had to bear the brunt of those chores when she was away..

I do remember her hanging clothes on the line...and sometimes I'd help her with that - I loved the smell of freshly-dried towels and sheets...still do, although I don't have a clothes line anymore, sad to say...

And I remember these pins - before the springy-ones - and a clothes-pin bag that was always filled and ready..

I never saw her do anything crafty - can't remember her ever reading a book although she did like Life magazines.

She didn't have any hobbies...didn't like talking on the phone, wrote an occasional letter, but the most vivid memory I have of her is sitting listening to the radio.

How odd is that? I mean, it's not like she passed when I was a child..she lived until my children were adults. Weird, huh?

She did like to dance....

No.... not as a ballerina, but little quick-stepped dance while her radio played. I think I remember her smiling then.

And she did like Lawrence Welk on Saturday nights. Oh, and Ed Sullivan on Sunday nights.

Anyway, it's funny what will spark memories...a smell, taste, or a radio on in the wee hours of the morning....

I'm sorry for the years of resentment. And I know now that to be in her world wasn't easy. It was frightening, disappointing and filled with broken dreams.

And if the radio took her to places that made her smile, I'm glad it was a gift she enjoyed.

And when I'm alone in the kitchen listening to the radio, I hope she sees me and knows that I did love her...

-me