Warning: serious post..with graphic photos..I'm just sayin'...

Breast Cancer

OK..now that's over with.  Yes, this is "the" month to think about it..to see a lot of pink..

to try to remember to set up that appointment..

to try to NOT think about it..

..but you know what?  We need to think about it..all. the. time.

I had a mother with breast cancer. She had a mastectomy of one breast. No chemo. No radiation. Just "slice & dice" and go on your merry way..

She spoke so rarely of it that it was years later we found out our Grandmother also had breast cancer {she has passed prior to my birth, so I never got to know her}

But, doesn't it seem odd that that would not be spoken of ? 

And yes, I have had my go round as well. 

And I make jokes.  And I dye my hair pink.  And I remind Mr. B how much money we save by not buying bras...and I am all sorts of goofy...

Then,  just after getting the gene test {$$$} to see if it "runs in the family" and we were told we "do not have the errant gene.."..my sister, Gerri was diagnosed with it.  Lumpectomy. Radiation. Gratefully, no chemo..

It is no laughing matter.

And it needs to be thought about and acted on every day of the year. 

You see, I was told  my mammogram was good.  The lump I was feeling in my armpit was probably a cyst..definitely not cancer..wait 6 months to see if it grows..

Nope. I'd rather not, please.  Find out ...now.  They did and it was.  I insisted and I am alive.

But I am not a hero. I survived. I followed the regime and I prayed and I had more support and love and belief than one can imagine..but I was not the hero.

And most of that year.. I didn't laugh. Sometimes I still do not laugh. Sometimes I still feel "less than.."

And I am not a hero..it was simply not my time.  "They" were not ready for me yet. So many others have lost their battle and so many others were smarter, braver, stronger and more "important" to the world..the real heroes.. their contributions so much more meaningful than what I had to give..

I am not feeling sorry for myself.nor am I fishing for comments...just trying to be honest..and show you how important it is to know yourself..know your body..

I can't answer "why" I survived and  I don't  know what my "purpose" is..I didn't  try any harder or have any more "grace of God" than the ones who's cancer took their very lives from them and their families..

I was scared..I was lost..and I was unsure of anything for more than one day at a time.

I was not brave. I was not strong.

...I was a weak as anyone would be and any bravery came from Mr. B, who never let on that he thought of any other possible outcome than my complete recovery..even though, just now, 15 years later, did he tell me he was as scared and lost and fearful as I was...I just did what he told me and I believed what he told me to believe...and he told me to listen to that still small voice..he told me I'd survive and I did.

But,  the question of "why me?" did come...but not in the way you may think.. why was I left to live..why not me that passed from this world? Why did the others have to suffer so much and I pretty much sailed through it..why why why...

And....I'm really not certain why I  feel I need to post this..except that there are many faces of breast cancer..the face we show the world...and the face we see only in the mirror..not wanting anyone to see the scars..the mutilation..it is not funny.  

It is not of the flippant remarks that I sometimes make..

..it was not "the best  thing that ever happened to me" ..it was terrible..it hurt.  Everything hurt...the chemo hurt, the needle pokes, the catheter in my chest..the missing breasts... the "phantom pain" was real..and my bald head hurt...cancer sucks.

Just try to make those long distance phone calls to your kids..hear them cry..the sisters who love you and your big brother..to hear fear in their voices..cancer sucks.

So, here it is.  Here's the "face" of my breast cancer..the fate of many..and I am one of the ones who lived..

I am not brave.  I am no hero. But I do have a voice.

Please, please trust in your instincts. Question everything and everyone.  Pay attention. Educate your daughters and your Mothers and yourself.  Talk to your husbands or significant others..Get second opinions ..and third ones.

And look at these photos..this is the face of breast cancer...

I am not a hero.  I am not brave.  I was not strong..

....however, I am getting stronger.

-me