Sunday, July 26, 2009

Hi..you don't know me...


..I'm Colleen's evil other-side..Neelloc (that's 'Colleen' backwards..you know, like the "other " side of her..?)

I know, I know, she's always chipper and like her balloon doesn't land.

But that's not always her..sometimes I need to be heard.

And because this is a blog for her..by her, it should represent all of her..me included.

So, by way of NOT having to justifying my existence , may I just say...

"Things I HATE"..by Neelloc:

(yes, hate is a strong word..just get over it. Stop reading if you want to. I'm large and, this morning, in charge..)

1. Things aren't always cheery. I hate that "she" feels she has to find the good in every situation..even though some of it just...sucks.

2. I hate that I can't do anything for our brother. I hate that he has to think about "it" all the time. I hate that we don't see each other more often.

3. I hate that Mr. B is suffering. And worrying. And sleeping so much. And that he will face his very first surgery in a few days. And that he is afraid.

a. I hate seeing him in a hospital bed in our front (usually happy) living room
b. I hate seeing him having nightmares in the hospital bed, in our living room
c. I hate seeing him struggle with :

1. putting on socks
2. walking
3. grimacing in pain
4. being weak
5. being on so much medication
6. taking a shower, eating, staying awake, worrying about bills, life,work,the future


4. I hate remembering my son's voice on the phone, that big, mean-looking biker, as he was crying and all he could get out was "I'm sorry Mom..I'm so sorry" ..and I hate remembering yelling into the cell phone, "YOU'RE SCARING ME!! WHAT HAPPENED??"

5. I hate feeling ( I know,I know, "you only can make yourself feel stupid") stupid for not asking the right questions, getting enough information, trusting those in-charge, feeling small...not being in-control..not having the answers to give to others..

6. I hate being yelled at. By anyone. Or feeling picked on. By anyone. Anyone.

7. I hate that "she" (Colleen) is afraid of having this side of her (me, Neelloc) shown. We are all dimensional creatures. And this it what a blog is for..to get our your feelings, no matter what they may be. So, build a bridge and get over it, Colleen..

8. I hate how some sick people treat animals..I hate to see suffering

9. And that that I can't save them all..the animals..and damn the people..

10. I hate that I saw a groomer drop a small puppy and heard it crying and I didn't DO or SAY anything to her..

11. I hate that tomatoes are gushy on the insides and that avocados have big pits and that Mexican food is not low calorie..

a. I hate that tomatoes taste far far better warm from the sun, sliced thick and on white Wonder bread with gobs of real mayonnaise and salt and black pepper than on any salad with fat-free dressing.

12. I hate that I may never see Ireland (there, I've said it..)

13. I hate that I don't have a place to SCREAM at the top of my lungs

14. I HATE feeling sorry for myself..it makes me feel small and inconsiderate of others

a. I hate NOT having someone to hit..like in Steel Magnolias, I need Weezy, or Shirley McClain, or a punching bag..

15. I hate it when I get choked up with tears, because it really REALLY hurts my throat. And I hate that I cry ugly..all blotchy and red, not pretty like in the movies..and my nose runs..and who would put a drippy-runny-thing over a mouth anyway?????

a. I hate questioning God. His existence. His judgment.
b. I hate not being sure..certain...not knowing "why" ..why Larry?..why Mr. B?...why Paul?..why the dropped puppy?...TELL ME WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING FROM ALL OF THIS, WILL YA????

16. I hate it when I read blogs that I can't reach through the screen to hug someone in need..or they can't hug me..

17. I hate feeling hateful {read"guilty"} when I have the right to feel hateful..

a. I hate when I just want to tell someone how I feel..and they think they need to "fix" it for me...or tell me how lucky I am ( i know) ..or how fortunate I am (I know) and that it could have been worse ( I know!) , or others have it much worse (I know)

18. I hate mosquitoes.

19. I hate not wanting to craft ..but wanting so much to craft..but not wanting to craft..

20. I hate wanting to be in the center of a brow-sugar frosted cinnamon bunt cake and eating my way out

21. I hate wanting to do nothing more than curling up in a ball like a roly-poly bug and pull the covers up over my head and sleep for a month..

22. I hate sleeping - I think of all the hours I'd have if I didn't sleep..

OK, the blog has now been returned to Colleen, that ever-hopeful-overly-optimistic-overly-sensitive-silly person. I will recede back into oblivion until I can't stand another second of her silliness.

-Neelloc :-(

Oh.. and 23. Mondays are crappy. Seriously.

15 comments:

debi @ life in my studio said...

I hear you...and I totally understand. And I won't offer any advise, I know what you mean about needing to vent, and then somebody thinks they can fix it. Kinda makes you want to punch them, doesn't it?
I do wish I could reach through the screen though, and give you a big hug. I hope things start looking up for you soon.
I do live close to you, so if there's anything I can do, let me know.
Hugs, Debi

Laurie said...

Amen to everyone of them Colleen or I mean Neelloc. Here is a huge hug, feel it through cyber space and wrapping you in the warmth of love and offered friendship.

diane said...

Sorry to hear you are down in the dumps and you do have a lot on your plate at the moment. I too wish I could fly through cyber space and give you a hug. It is nice to know that you have a neelloc side to you. It makes you more like a real person rather than just a happy blogger.I must have missed a post about Mr B's operation. Hope all goes well.Even though you hate getting advice you're going to get it anyway. Take neelloc for a long walk and she'll get tired or lost and then Colleen can come home and face the world again.

Joyce said...

Awww... I am so sorry :-(

and, "forwards" or "backwards" I love you.......... and you and all of your loved ones are in my prayers.......

madrekarin said...

Neelloc- Now that you've let it all out Colleen should be feeling much better!! Sometimes that's all it takes. Here's a big (((HUG)))>


niraK

Lori R. said...

Thanks for saying all that for us! I could agree with you on so many on your list!!!My hate is when people say, "I know how you feel". I don't think they do! But one thing I know is that you can lean on God, that is what He wants us to do. He never said life would be without trials, just that HE will hold us when they come. AND Then sometimes I hate listening to someone talk about God. So know that we are praying for you Neelloc. Colleen, she holds her own. Mr. B., I think he sounds like a fighter, prayers for him and his surgery. And thank goodness for blogging, it has been a wonderful vehicle to get all that hatin' out.... SGUH....

Karen said...

No advice from me ....just a hug.

diane said...

No. Colleen, in answer to your question . The Wattle doesn't have a fragrance but the masses of flowers are lovely.

white o'morn cottage said...

Dear Neeloc...I hate all those things too!...Map

My love and hugs to you. xxx

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

I love (if that makes any sense!) and understand your 'hates'! We all have them and you must feel so good getting them out! Yeah!!
Many of your hates are mine as well.

I'll just give you a little cyber squeeze and I hope you have a good week :) Hang in there!
Darla♥

Lucy said...

Wow...it's like I wrote that post myself. I identify with so much of it. Let's pack up and go to anywhere in Ireland for lunch. And it's okay to have hate moments. I have them all the time. And you don't have to feel guilty. We need T-shirts that say..'no guilt'. I am queen of guilt. Wish I could come and talk.

June said...

I love all of you.

Julie said...

Dear Needloc,

Don't apologize for showing up - you are a part of Colleen and you need your day in the sun too. I am sending you an e-mail - I have too much to say than I can here.

Love, Eiluj (backward for Julie)

Pen Pen said...

Hey Needloc! Let it out girl! We love you!!!

Charmingdesigns said...

Here's a hug!! really! can you feel it???