Thursday, October 14, 2010

"Work" wanted a description of our yearly accomplishments/duties..

 So I gave 'em one:

Summary of Duties..Colleen B.. aka TSL..{the snack lady}*

Daily responsibilities include but are not limited to:

Telephone monitoring for both SM**and G*n*Tr** which includes knowing what company I am representing at  {almost} all times..

    -the use of We are ..or They  are and to be used at the appropriate times

    - to be flexile when an error has occurred and have the brain/lip coordination of saying “Hello this is SMG-G-G-*ne*tree, may I help you? “

    -the ability to feign interest in callers requesting knowledge of their wolverine ancestors, in finding their relationship to and establishing what percentage Martian they are after the “incident” in the corn fields..

Horticultural Liaison to all exotic plant species in office(s)

Front Door Greeter./Bouncer for existing employee base as well as random repair men/delivery drivers.. and prospective stalkers

Writer-in-residence, editor and spell-checker for daily Tea Time formal announcements

Culinary Expert..

-    Monitor/ration all food levels ensuring even distribution of snack and treats in a diplomatic and unbiased manner
-    Stage said snacks and treats in an aesthetically pleasing fashion
-    Treat all hazardous spills and toxic waste in a quick and discreet manner
-    Ensure sanitation of feed-room and holding bins at all times
-    Monitor microwave usage and inspection for food debris and spills
-    Tear, fold and distribute ecco-friendly paper toweling into useful absorbent dribble-catching napkins, thus saving untold amounts of revenue on more costly Real Paper Napkins
-    Care and feeding of said employees in a tightly monitored schedule to avoid hunger-induced riots at mid-day

Interior Decorator ..

 Responsible for the time/theme-appropriate placement of loby décor i.e. Jack-o-Lantern flower pot,  Vegetarian Thanksgiving Feasts and the much anticipated non-denominational-winter-appropriate-celebratory-décor depicting cheerful scenes of non-religious entities opening beautifully wrapped gifts brought by a vertically challenged, poundage-enhanced man in a brightly colored attire, whilst singing appropriate Winter carols such as:

“Oh Holiday Tree”

“Have Yourself a Merry Little Winter Day”

“Deck the Halls With Ecco-Friendly-Sustainable-Foliage”

and/or “Hark, the Mythical Winged Creature Sings”

Role model for the Elderly..

including the knowledge of who Katy Perry is..
that Fergie isn't that Fergie but the other Fergie....
how to Zumba..
what hair products work best for extreme hold on that tousled-yet-touchable style..
 who and what is FaceBook with the explicit knowledge of how to un-friend someone
and...the appropriate usage of "dude" in any given situation

*This list is not to be considered binding or contractual and may be altered/changed or thrown away at any time as seen prudent by said

All expectation of a raise and/or better benefits is immediate and must be responded to (favorably) within 72 hours of receipt.

So, how'd I do? 

Yeah..we'll see, huh? Might have moooore time to blog :-)



Lola Skw said...

You did great ! I would employ you in a heartbeat if I were an entrepreneur - oh my, those incredible multitasking abilities! Hugggggs- Lola

madrekarin said...

Awesome! You should be the employee of the decade. :) Love that photo of you and Mr. B. It is so sweet.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Every office needs one! You are the glue that keeps it all working smoothly. GREAT POST! I finally know who Katy Perry is and the other Fergie, it took me awhile!
Have a great weekend. You have my vote.

Karen said...

I'm sure your resume is longer than that, but I think you've probably included all the really important stuff.

Laurie said...

Holy smokes Colleen!! I'd say you pretty much have all the necessities covered!! You're hired!

Melinda Cornish said...

you crack me up.......

Pearl said...

You could work for me any day! Wow they work you like a horse, did you ask for a raise yet?? Love your new header, you and Mr. B. so sweet.

diane said...

That is one hell of a CV. You will soon be head hunted.

Vee said...

You are a keeper for sure! I can't imagine how much fun it would be to work with you. I'm still laughing...