Thursday, March 20, 2014

They say "timing is everything..."

OK. so you all probably know I work as a "Paternity DNA Consultant" which sounds all smart & professional, right?  Well..truth be known, it's a call center with 18 other "Paternity DNA Consultants" with varying ages, genders and customer service experience. All informing, in true "Maury" style..."you are NOT the father".

Getting paid for telling women what they already know..

But one thing we all have in common is the need  And being in a call center, "stats" are very important. So important they can cause you loose your job or be promoted..if one would want to be promoted to "Chief Caller-Person"..

anyway..I digress..

We are allowed 5 minutes of "personal" time per day to do ..well..anything one can do in 5, let's say..pee.

Now, that 5 minutes is on top of the 30 minute unpaid lunch and the 2 - 15-minute paid breaks.

However, I have never been know to "go on command" if you know what I mean.  Random drug tests take me well over a hour to finally give them enough to "randomly"  test me..sometimes even more..

So to tell my pea-sized bladder { note the play on words here? }  that I can go at 10am then at 12pm then at 2:45pm is about as useless as the letter "L" in the word "yeah" ...

Now, I can understand rules are made because some bimbo before me used her  "Personal time "  to run /drive to the the 7-11 for a taco... or 6..

..but I am an old-"er" woman who actually takes medication to rid myself of liquids..and have explained this to the young-perky-supervisor..aka "Chief Caller-Person" ..

So, to benefit the others here who do not have "medical" reason for peeing..I timed myself - walking  at a brisk pace through the LONG hall..into the unoccupied stall.. (if I'm lucky to find one) my whatever..quickly..then wash hands to the tune of "Happy Birthday" as recommended by the US Dept of Health..walk briskly back to my seat..plug in and take my next call..

.. 3:38...for 1 trip..

so.... if the need is for 2 trips..I'm already in the negative..3.38 + 3.38 =  6.76

...remembering the limit is 5.0 per day...see where this is going? {yet another clever pun..}

Also, remembering I have a dislike of  all things mathematical..think of things like payments...alarm clocks..all have to do with math..

I find this all too much.  Do I need to depend on Depends ? {there I go again!  Ah.. I crack me up..} do I take the chance of being accused of excessive-personal-time-infringements?

Can you  imagine if I got fired for that?

Unemployment person: "So, why were you fired?"

Me: " Excessive Urination?" .."Not running a 4-min mile to the restroom?"... "I'm bladdely impaired?"

Ahh..only 142 work days until retirement...

I DO NOT think I can hold it that long....


Wanda said...

Oh guy, I laughed so hard I peed my pants right in my computer chair, and you think you have problems. Tee Hee

OH, you are a clever writer, and what a sense of humor. I'm still laughing..

Thanks for making my day!!

Ann said...

We live in a strange world and your sense of humor aptly describes it. What a hoot!

Welcome to the Garden of Egan said...

That is most unfortunate.
As an ER nurse I can relate.

So you work for a place that does urine testing.
Kinda like a "whiz quiz"

Colleen - the AmAzINg Mrs. B said... not urine samples..thanks all that is holy. Cheek swabs. MOUTH cheek swabs..

Little Penpen said...

LOL LOL; I'm a nurse and most of us have trained our bladders to 'not go' very often while working. All while telling our patients how important it is to drink water and pee, so they don't get bladder infections. Crazy, isn't it????

wendy said...

Still chuckling! You need to write a book..

Debbs said...

I'm surprised your 'perky supervisor' hasn't suggested wearing a nappy (or diapers as you say)!! I wonder how many times the bosses visit their Executive Bathrooms?!!
No wonder you're counting the days - Freedom awaits you - and the toilet! :)

Nancy Mc said...

Enjoyed the read. I've been in your situation {call center, time restraints, needing to pee}. I finally got a note from my MD stating I needed to pee when I needed. I had to fill out form stating why this would help the company. My reply, 'so there won't be pee on the chair and the next CSR sitting in the chair won't be sitting in my pee. Oh, to have a young bladder like the Chief call taker.

Karen said...

Boy, I thought my job was bad with "Big Brother" watching all the time. At least I can pee when I want to.