Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I cannot close the book..

I know I should.  I have been doing better....missing my brother ..



Is that something one gets "better" at?

There were times when we only talked on the phone every few months.  But I always knew....knew he was there for me.  I could have asked anything of him and he would have made it happen.



That's what big brothers do..take care of their little sisters.  And he has 3. 

It's been a year.  A year tomorrow, January 5th.

He was always there...always.  And it's been a year.

A year of times I "forgot" and wanted to call him and tell him some news..a cousin's passing..a story I had read..a joke or a good laugh..

A year of good times and exciting news {he'll have a great grandson this year..}

A year of rememberies..and photos..and emotions flooding in at unexpected times..


A year of good dreams where hugs are given and of bad dreams when ,upon waking up,  realizing it was just a dream..

This past year..Larry walked with our Dad..in my dreams.  And I got to hug them both .. in my dreams.



And I felt their strength..their warmth..their love..in my dreams.

{L to R -Gerri, Kathy, Larry, Daddy, me and Mother - circa 1954}

So, while the pages may be a bit dog-eared..I cannot close the book.   This story is not finished.  And there will be a happy ending..




I will not say good-bye.

-me

I won't be posting for a few days..just need some time to ..focus.

25 comments:

just call me jo said...

Take whatever time you need, sweet friend. I love the picture of your brother with the calf on the horse. I never know the right thing to say. I hope you know you are loved and that I wish you peace and comfort. Hugs.

Frosty Duncan said...

hugs.

Pearl said...

U know I'm there thinking about you, sweetest of dreams. Hugs, Pearl

Life is good! said...

i think that book sounds like a wonderful read. i'm not sure i would ever want to close it. God bless you.

Mellodee said...

Our memories make up the one book we need to leave open forever!

The sadness of your loss will fade some over time, but he will always be a part of who you are and you will find yourself missing this big brother of yours for a long, long time....probably forever. Most of us wouldn't want it any other way, after all, he's your brother!

Coleen said...

I love your word "rememberies"....yes, a year goes by so quickly..I remember you writing of your brothers journey and how we were kind of "mirrors" for each other..(my name being Coleen, and my dear hubby was Larry)..and how we had just found out that Lar's cancer had spread (in Dec. 2009)
I was so sad to hear of your brothers passing and so concerned about my Lar.....it is very difficult ... I have many anniversary dates that I rememberie..coming up is the day we found out that the chemo was not working..we found that piece of news on my b-day...so, its hard not to remember......anyway, I am sending lots of loving heart heugs to you!
Coleen

Vee said...

Colleen, you have me sniffling away here. I was thinking today that letting someone go at the end of life is a lot like letting a child go when he or she leaves the nest. We might wish to cling though the releasing means growth and opportunity and blessings for the one who is moving on. Heaven and being with the Lord is the ultimate blessing. I love that your brother and father have returned to you in your dreams. I'm thinking of you and your sisters as you walk through this first anniversary. Sending you a gentle hug...

wendy said...

Sending you hugs.... and take all the time you need.

Baxter's Mom said...

I'm so sorry for your sadness...take as much time as you need and be good to yourself.
Hugs...

Karen said...

I'm right there with you Colleen. We just attended my Mom's anniversary mass....1 year on Jan. 2nd. Unbelievable. I have that same feeling of it not being over. I know there's more I need to learn from her.

oldgreymare said...

1 year or 11 years onthe 17th ( My Dad) ..these anniversaries are a way to spend time just for a little while again with those we love and miss so dearly.

When we are still, they come to sit by our sides once more.

Focus and find your peace.

Suzan

Vicki aka Jake said...

Too many of us know this pain...
never to leave us. Keep remembering, that's how we survive it. Tears yes, but bitter sweet ones. See you when you get back. Remember the tears are cleansing.
xox

ain't for city gals said...

Colleen..what a sweet post...and how lucky you are to have the dream...your brother's way of telling you every thing is ok...We don't ever have to close the book..hoping you have many pages bookmarked, dog-earred corners turn down and lots of high-lighting in bright yellow! I will be thinking about you in the next week..

Lucy (aka RHarper) said...

My sister has been dead now for ten years. The time went so fast. I still feel like I've been cheated. Why her? Why not me. I'd have changed places with her in a nano-moment. Everything has gone to hell since she died. Nobody's speaking to anybody family wise. Nothing is fair about it. And I wonder, too, when does the hurting stop. I guess never. You've got a good family around you though. I don't have anybody. So..I certainly have my list of questions that won't be answere in this life. I'm so glad, though, that you have a wonderful relationship with him. That counts.

diane b said...

It is a sad time but don't close the book. make it a time of remembering all the good times together. I too ,on the 18th , will feel the same. That is when my brother died 2 years ago.

BTW Carol left you a message under your comment on my post about the tomato salad.
See it here:
http://diane-adventurebeforedementia.blogspot.com/2011/01/catch-up-time.html

Debby@Just Breathe said...

It is hard for me to believe it has been a year already. I know you miss him deeply. ((HUGS))

Laurie said...

My prayers are with you Colleen, I know just what you're going through. We lost dad close to Christmas, after he went into the hospital on Christmas Eve. It's been 5 years, and the pain eases a little every year. The memories will always remain though, and will give you comfort.
Love,
Laurie

Aunt Amelia's Attic said...

It's been a year, but it's still a journey which you will make, at your own pace.

Make good use of your time off... May you come back to blogging, refreshed and ready to have fun again.

Or not.

May you come back to blogging, just as it is best for you, to do so!

Gentle January hugs...

Sharon said...

One never closes the book or the wonderful memories. I am sending you hugs! Sharon

Lovey said...

However long you need...know he's in your heart forever and in there, he is forever near.

Pen Pen said...

I am sure you miss your brother so much. From your posts, we can tell that he was a wonderful man. And we also know he has a wonderful sister. ((hugs))

Jillian said...

I'm glad you gave yourself some time and that you are strong enough to remember. That's the better road even if it can be hard. You'll see him again though. No doubt about that :)

Trekky said...

Hugs. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I started reading your blog & stumbled on this post. I lost my brother 3 & a half years ago. I miss him every day. The pain will fade, but the memories are still bright.

I occasionally see things & think 'he would love that' and want to call him, like I have suddenly forgotten he is no longer here. I have also had that horrible feeling on awakening when I have realised that although he was in my dream, he is no longer alive.

Take your time & hold on to your memories. You are not alone.

Trekky x

Melinda Cornish said...

all I can say is awwwwwww.........I am glad you havent said goodbye, just see ya later cowboy.....

North of 25A said...

What a beautiful post, Colleen. I do not think there is any time that you have to close the book. How blessed you were to have them come to you... I am comforted by the line and the image of: "in the arms of the Angels...you will find comfort..." That Sarah McLaughin song came out about the time my Dad was dying & to this day that image brings me peace; and I hope it does you too.
You and your brother are in my thoughts and prayers,
Colleen